Saturday, December 09, 2006

How not to start your day

7:15 Get up when Ess wakes. Find her playing and smiling in her crib, snuggled up with her Taggie. When you change her diaper, realize that prunes are perhaps best served at a meal other than dinner.

7:25 Head downstairs. Put Ess in bouncy seat; realize that the frequency with which she's sitting means this won't be a baby containment option for much longer. Open the kitchen door and discover a puddle of pee on the floor. Thank whichever deity is responsible for the idea that Jelly gets locked in the kitchen at night, and that Ess is not yet crawling.

7:27 Pick Jelly up and carry her into the backyard. Discover that your zeal for not letting heat escape from the house means you have pulled the back door tight behind you. It is locked. You are wearing red slippers, blue pajama pants, an orange shirt, and a pink cardigan, and nothing else. D is still in bed. It is approximately 18 degrees out.

7:28 Knock insistently on the back door. No answer. Ponder which neighbor will be least likely to make fun of your outfit should you need to borrow the phone, and how likely it is that Ess will topple her bouncy seat over in her attempt to sit upright in it.

7:29 Go to driveway and bellow up at the bedroom window.

7:30 Gratefully re-enter the house, courtesy of your wonderful husband. Lock the dogs
out of the kitchen and clean up the pee. Feed the dogs and put Ess down on her tummy in the living room, where she can watch them eat.

7:35 Put Rocky out in the yard. Watch her through the kitchen window for the telltale signs of coprophagia. Listen to Ess whine about tummy time. When Rocky assumes her hunched, guilty position, open the window and shake the treat jar to lure her back inside.

7:36 Rocky completely ignores you. Mutter curses under your breath. In same outfit as above, go into the backyard (note that back door is now unlocked). Trudge through the snow in slippers to corral disobedient shih tzu.

7:37 Return inside. Leave snow-filled slippers at the door. Ess is whining. The kitchen still smells like pee. But you have a massage appointment at 10:15, and a dinner date (rescheduled from last weekend) with your husband. Determine that this is all kind of funny, and crack open the laptop.