Cabin fever

The life-with-newborn insanity is hitting me hard today. It's gorgeous outside, but it's hard to even go in the back yard, because Ess is wanting to nurse all the time today -- perhaps this explains her astonishing 10-ounce weight gain in the last week?? We took some beach chairs into the backyard, but I came in after an hour or so; it's much more comfortable in the house, even though sitting on the couch or in the glider has begun to drive me crazy. It's impossible to think about going anywhere, because what fun would that be when she wants to nurse every 20 minutes? And, besides, where would we go? What's more, no one has called us in days; it's as though we've dropped off the face of the earth, rather than simply had a baby.

So I am feeling isolated, irritated and more than a little crazy. And somehow D's being here is only making it worse, perhaps because when he's not here I have no choice but to cope, to take care of Ess and deal with the day. But when he's here, I resent everything -- I'm mad that he's mowing the lawn or doing laundry instead of holding her, or I'm irritated that she's fussy and he hasn't tried the sling that the lovely Phantom sent us a few days ago and that he doesn't want to try it now with a screaming baby in his arms (which, of course, is actually a totally reasonable response). When it comes down to it, there's not a lot he can do to ease the physical burden from me -- although he's done a wealth of things to ensure that pretty much all I have to worry about during the day is feeding Ess.

All of this makes me think that perhaps I need to make some new friends. So on Monday I'm making it my goal to get to the new moms lunch at the hippie birthing center where we took our childbirth classes. Or, more precisely, childbirth class. We attended the first class less than a week before Ess made her grand debut. They never returned my phone call asking whether the fee would be refunded, and never even acknowledged her birth. Which irritates me. But they're the only place I know of that has a gathering of new moms, and I've got to start talking to people who are going through this bizarre, fantastic, miserable experience, too.

*******

Lest you think it is all gloom and doom around here, last night we took Ess for a picnic on the beach. That's one of the fantastic things about life here; our house is about five blocks from the beach. So last night we got sandwiches and walked down with Ess and my sister and brother-in-law for dinner in the sand. I even nursed in public for the first time, something made more difficult by the fact that we didn't bring chairs and that it was verrrry windy, making the receiving blanket I was using to cover us whip around in the breeze. Ess seemed to enjoy the outing... as much as she enjoys anything other than nursing these days!