Friday, January 07, 2005

Five steps to a stellar Friday night

1. Follow this meal plan: Eat a banana. Shovel the driveway. Eat a bagel with cream cheese. Run a three-hour-long meeting and drink lots of coffee. Head back to the office and have a piece of ice cream cake. Later, realize it is 4 pm and you have not eaten lunch. Decide you're not that hungry anyway.

2. Get a haircut. Start by telling your beloved hairdresser that the hair is bothering you -- it's time for something that will freshen it up. Agree when she suggests lots of long layers. When she says, "They're trendy," nod and smile. Chat away while she is snipping here and there and blowdrying your hair. Try not to choke when she casually mentions that this style reminds her so much of hair bands from the 80s.

Refrain from punching her when she mentions your hair and Jon Bon Jovi in the same sentence.

3. Go out with colleagues for a pint of Guinness after work. Notice that colleague's wife is drinking a Pepsi, and remember that the last time you all went out, about a month ago, she also had a Pepsi. Note her mention of a "swooning sickness" several weeks ago, and his sudden interest in a third colleague's partner's gestational diabetes.

Become irrationally jealous and irritated when you realize she is most likely pregnant. Isn't that *your* project, the one you haven't made much progress on?

Be disgusted by your own immaturity.

4. Return home. Carefully. After all, you have only had one pint of beer, a bagel and a piece of ice cream cake today. Enter kitchen, put coats on dogs(!), take dogs into yard to pee, etc. Bring dogs in. Call yet another colleague to gossip about the potential pregnancy.

Notice the large puddle in front of the refrigerator. Notice also that the fridge isn't leaking, and that the puddle is yellow. Call husband at work and inform him of puddle. Hang up phone. Clean up puddle.

5. Heat leftover pizza in the oven. Pour glass of wine. Wonder if it's late enough yet to go to bed.